


hold my hand & melt my heart

by transming



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas Fluff, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, and they were ROOMMATES, jaemin has low self esteem bc the author is projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28380012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transming/pseuds/transming
Summary: The next thing Jaemin knows, there's a pair of delicate hands cupping his face, pulling his chin up from where it was squished against his palm. Renjun covers his field of vision, breathtaking and puffy from sleep like the world's grumpiest marshmallow. Jaemin's heart rate increases, slow and steady, like the dawning realisation that this is avery bad idea."Piece of cake." Renjun smirks. Jaemin keeps eye contact for so long his eyes go dry. "Right Jaem?"Jaemin tries to swallow and almost chokes from how dry his throat is. He feels moments away from a breakdown and isn't completely confident why."Absolutely." He bluffs, confidence wavering and fragile. "It's just a month. How hard can it be?"In which Jaemin spends the holiday season fake dating his roommate, best friend and, due to a very recent revelation, the boy he might very well be in love with.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Liu Yang Yang, Lee Jeno/Mark Lee
Comments: 14
Kudos: 175
Collections: WIP OLYMPICS: WINTER 2020/21





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bunnyctzen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnyctzen/gifts).



> for lee:
> 
> we made it. it is finally here. AND i met the word count that's literally insane cdsnjds ANYWAY i hope u enjoy this i am so happy to finally have this out of my wip folder <333 thank u sm for the prompt and the commission i appreciate u a lot!!! muah <3

_November 27th_

Jaemin’s phone is lying face down on the counter next to the chopping board, piled high with whatever vegetables were in the budget for the week, when it buzzes two, three, four times in a row. He’s in the middle of separating a block of frozen mince over the frypan, and only turns the heat down on the sixth consecutive buzz. He wipes his hands on a tea towel and flips his phone over with a clatter and a sigh.

**Instagram**

markly.99 just posted a photo 2 min ago

**Instagram**

yangx2 mentioned you in a comment  
"@jaem.in ???? ARE YOU S…" 0 sec ago

**Instagram**

(yangx2): jaem.in: HAHAHA… 0 sec ago

Jaemin frowns, swiping open the first notification with a nervous twist in his gut. Yangyang is rarely this excited- scratch that. Yangyang is _always_ excited, but the Thing™ he and Jaemin have been talking about for weeks involves Mark and oh god if this is what he thinks it is-

**♡ _Liked by **yangx2**_ _and others_  
markly.99 **hey look at my cute boyfriend  
:) ♡ **@jenoly**

Mark’s cheeks are bunched up so high his eyes are crescents, Jeno’s lips clumsily planted on his cheek in what is obviously a show for the camera. Jaemin screams from the back of his throat and frantically types a congratulatory comment, over the fucking _moon_ at this development. He ignores the string of messages in his DMs from Instagram user yangx2 because that’s not important right now, not when two of his best friends _finally_ got over their nerves and confessed to each other after what now feels like years of pining.

**Instagram**

(yangx2): jaem.in: NANA I KN... 0 sec ago

Jaemin locks his phone, making a mental reminder to message Jeno privately about finally getting his head out of his ass, and turns the heat back up on the stove. From somewhere across the apartment, Renjun screams, and Jaemin finishes making dinner with a gnawing anxiousness steadily making a home in his gut.

Never make a bet with Liu Yangyang. 

  
  


* * *

_November 28th_

Jaemin is half asleep and kind of pissed off when Yangyang shows up at their apartment the next day

“Morning!” Yangyang greets, gloating smile bright and blinding, and lets himself into the apartment without waiting for Jaemin to answer the door (they both know he would have left Yangyang outside if he could). Jaemin stands in the living room, debating whether or not he should wake Renjun up or force him to share in the suffering. It’s not a hard decision.

“Wake up Injunnie, we have a pest!” He calls through Renjun’s door, making incredible noise for 8 in the morning. 

Yangyang yells back an offended ‘hey!’ on his way to the kitchen and Jaemin just smiles.

“Oops.” He deadpans. “Did I say pest? I meant guest. Ha ha.” 

The bedroom door finally opens behind him and a ferocious-looking Renjun shuffles out, bed hair peeking through the hoodie that was only haphazardly thrown on for Yangyang's sake. Jaemin’s fingers tuck a few flyaway strands back into the hoodie without thinking. Renjun hums his semi-conscious gratitude and shuffles to the kitchen, where Yangyang is staring at the both of them with an expression absent of anything trustworthy. 

“Coffee?” Renjun asks, directed at Jaemin, flicking the kettle on. 

“Yes please.” Jaemin responds, at the same time as Yangyang, who innocently pretends he’s a welcome guest and not the bearer of potentially life-altering news. Two cups clank against the counter. 

“Not having any Renjun?” Yangyang bats his eyelashes in faux innocence. Renjun ignores him as Jaemin finally takes a seat on the barstool next to him, yawning loudly into the air. 

“So.” Yangyang starts, leg bouncing against his seat like the human equivalent of a puppy wagging its tail. “I’m sure you’re both wondering why I’ve gathered you here today.” 

“Please.” Renjun threatens. “Today.” 

“Okay.” Yangyang immediately agrees. Jaemin hunches over the counter and tries not to fall asleep to the sound of Renjun quietly making coffee. “Since both of you lost the bet, I’ve thought of the perfect punishment that involves both of you. The catch is that you can’t tell anyone else what it is.” 

Jaemin, who’d been seconds away from dozing off, experiences yet another rude awakening, this time from all the warning bells going off in his head. 

“Why not?” 

“Because it’s my punishment and I say so.” Yangyang explains. “And because it doesn’t work if anyone knows.” 

“Anyone?” Renjun asks this time. “Not even our friends?”

“Especially not them.” Yangyang unfolds his arms to hold a hand out to each of them, pinkies raised. “Deal?”

“What are you, five years old?” Renjun rolls his eyes, porcelain clanking against the counter as he places Jaemin’s black coffee in front of him. Jaemin closes his eyes, breathes in freshly brewed coffee, and enters the celestial realm for a second.

"Possibly. My parents lost my birth certificate." Yangyang wiggles his pinkies impatiently as Jaemin takes a loud, dramatic sip of his coffee, letting his eyes slip closed even as he burns his tongue. Yangyang stares at him, unblinking, unnerving smile on his face, until Jaemin finally links their pinkies with a great sigh and anticipatory regret. Renjun follows suit with just as much hesitance, his face scrunched up like there's a bad smell.

Yangyang squeezes their pinkies together and nods to himself. "This'll be so easy." 

"I think I'm getting a migraine." Jaemin mumbles, bringing his hand up to cradle his temple as soon as Yangyang lets him go. 

Renjun pauses for a moment before turning around to rummage through one of their drawers. He comes back with a pack of painkillers, tossing them on the bench in front of Jaemin without a word. Jaemin smiles up at him in gratitude, and upon seeing Yangyang's suspiciously satisfactory grin aimed right at him, elbows him in the ribs. 

"What?" Jaemin asks over Yangyang's pained grunt. 

"So easy." Is all Yangyang says, nodding to himself. Renjun clears his throat. "Okay your punishment is that you have to tell everyone that you're dating." 

"Dating who?"

"Each other." 

"Oh." 

_Oh no._

Jaemin stares at the counter, letting the information sink into the folds of his brain. Is this a good idea?

"Is that it?" Renjun asks, watching Yangyang suspiciously like he's waiting for more. 

"That's it." Yangyang nods. 

"For how long?" 

"Until New Years." 

Renjun laughs in his face. "Fuck off that's over a month away." 

Yangyang snatches Jaemin's mug while he's preoccupied, running through all the scenarios in which this has happened and all the ways in which this could go very, very wrong. He watches unseeing as Yangyang takes a sip and immediately grimaces at the bitterness.

"But it's Christmas." Yangyang coughs. "It's the season for it." 

"You get a week or nothing."

"It's _my_ punishment, I pick the rules." 

Yangyang and Renjun stare at each other, neither one of them backing down, as Jaemin just spectates. Eventually, Yangyang concedes with a sigh.

"Look. Okay fine I made a deal with Donghyuck that if we're the only single friends left by New Year's he has to be my New Year's kiss. So I just need you guys to pretend until then." 

Renjun raises an eyebrow, voice careful. "Why would you want that?" 

Yangyang fiddles with the mug in his hand, waving a finger through the steam and blushing to the tips of his ears. Jaemin gets it after a moment of complete silence. 

"Yang do you… like Hyuck?" He asks, voice gentle, trying to hide his surprise and not shock Yangyang into shutting down. The more he thinks about it though, the more it makes sense. Aside from right now and when they have classes, Donghyuck and Yangyang are a package deal, hardly ever seen apart from each other. 

_Just like he and Renjun_. 

Yangyang scoffs. "Wh-whaaaaat? Me? Hyuck?" He laughs, hollow and fake. It dies down into an exhausted sigh as Yangyang slumps over the counter, sliding Jaemin's mug out of the way.

"Yeah." He says to the countertop, and Jaemin makes eye contact with Renjun over his head. He knows they have to do this, for as troublesome as Yangyang can be (and usually is), at the end of the day he's still one of their closest friends and deserves happiness as much as anyone.

Renjun considers this for a moment, humming thoughtfully under his breath. The next thing Jaemin knows, there's a pair of delicate hands cupping his face, pulling his chin up from where it was squished against his palm. Renjun covers his field of vision, breathtaking and puffy from sleep like the world's grumpiest marshmallow. Jaemin's heart rate increases, slow and steady, like the dawning realisation that this is a very _bad idea._

"Piece of cake." Renjun smirks. Jaemin keeps eye contact for so long his eyes go dry. "Right Jaem?"

Jaemin tries to swallow and almost chokes from how dry his throat is. He feels moments away from a breakdown and isn't completely confident why. 

"Absolutely." He bluffs, confidence wavering and fragile. "It's just a month. How hard can it be?" 

  
  


* * *

  
  


_November 29th_

  
  
  


Jaemin calls Jeno the next morning. 

"Jaem?" Jeno's out of breath, surrounded by the sounds of machinery and early 2000's pop music, which can only mean he's at the gym. 

"Hey." Jaemin hasn't thought this far ahead.

"What's up?" Jeno sounds reasonably confused. Jaemin struggles to put words together. 

"So. Uh. Some things have happened." He begins, trying to put it off for as long as possible. Jeno stays quiet, the bastard. Jaemin takes a deep breath and lets it all out in one go. "So I realised last night that I liked Renjun as a Boy™ and accidentally blurted it out and now we're kind of sort of dating?" 

Jeno processes this for half a second then squawks down the receiver. "What?! I left you alone for 5 minutes!" 

Jaemin sighs and tries very hard to merge with his mattress until he completely loses sentience and doesn't have to deal with the aftermath of this whole situation. 

"I know right?" He laughs weakly. "Turns out that I _am_ capable of doing things without you. Who knew?" 

"Hold on-" The background noise over the call goes faded and distant, then a door shuts and it's so quiet it sounds like the call cut off.

"Okay tell me everything, how did this happen?" Jeno's voice echoes in whatever room he's locked himself in. 

Jaemin shrugs, reciting the story he was up practicing all night. "After you and Mark made your announcement I was- I guess it got me thinking about what it would be like if I had feelings for my best friend and didn't realise, and then Renjun walked into the room and I _realised_."

"And then?"

"And then I told him." 

"What, just like that?" Jeno sounds genuinely baffled. "Half a decade of emotional constipation and you just _told_ him?" 

Jaemin's face heats up in indignation. "Ya. I’m not that awful. Sorry it wasn't so obvious to all of us." 

Jeno laughs, finally, echoes of it spilling through the tinny phone speakers. "Okay okay fine. What did he say?" 

Jaemin grabs his favourite Ryan doll and squeezes it against his chest for moral support. He takes a deep breath. "Well, it certainly caught him off guard, I did kind of scream it at him. But when he got over the shock he said that he liked me too and called me an idiot." 

"Why am I not surprised." Jeno laughs. "So, you're together now?" 

“I think that’s how these things usually work, yeah.”

Jeno pauses for a moment, voice taking on a hint of concern. “You okay?” 

“Huh? Yeah.” He laughs a little breathlessly and hope it comes across as disbelief instead of nerves. “I just- it doesn’t feel real, y’know?” 

“I get it.” He imagines Jeno smiling one of his sweetest smiles, the one that makes him feel only a little like he’s being patronised. “It _is_ real and I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks Jen.” 

He promises himself that he’ll make it up to Jeno later. He’s only seen Jeno mad a handful of times in his life and he really doesn’t want to add to that list. Maybe he can get Renjun to help him brainstorm a plan for damage control. 

“Oh!” Jeno suddenly perks up like he’s just remembered something. “Mark and I were going out for brunch tomorrow, did you two wanna join us? We can make it a double date.”

God, Jeno really is too sweet for his own good.

“Tempting as that is, I really don’t wanna crash your first date.”

“I mean I don’t see the big deal, we’ve hung out together before.”

“Yeah but we’re all dating now, it’s different.”

“Why?” Jeno huffs. “Everyone always says that but I don’t get it. I mean, besides kissing slightly more often nothing between me and Mark really changed.” 

Jaemin pauses, unable to immediately think of a comeback. “Okay fine it doesn’t have to be super special. But you should at least be celebrating your change in relationship status.” 

“Oh yeah can’t wait to let all my relatives on Facebook know I’m not the heterosexual business major they still think I am.” 

“It could be worse.” Jaemin hums. “You could be the heterosexual church boy.” 

“Oof.” Jeno hisses. “You’re right, now I just feel sorry for Mark.” 

“I’m sure you and your updated relationship status can think of some fun ways to cheer him up.” 

“I’m hanging up.” 

Jaemin cackles into the receiver. “Yes yes go enjoy your healthy lifestyle and rippling abs.” 

“Enjoy your private apartment and multiple beds.” Jeno counters as the sounds of the gym flood back in over the line. 

“We definitely will.” Jaemin sing-songs. Then Jeno hangs up, and he’s left alone with his thoughts. 

Nothing has to change, Jeno said so himself. Realistically they just have to hold hands more often and maybe kiss once or twice in public, right? 

He’s got this.

* * *

  
  


_December 1st_

  
  


Jaemin hasn’t got this. 

The floodgates have been opened in the days since Yangyang first planted the idea of a relationship existing between he and Renjun that is somehow _more_ than what they currently have, and now he can’t stop thinking about it. He can’t stop thinking about how Renjun looks so attractive _all the time._ He can’t stop thinking about how many times he’s jokingly called Renjun his ‘perfect man’ when he’s done something basic like cook an egg without burning it. How many times he might have actually _meant it_. 

Jeno only made it worse with all his talk of how he and Mark are practically the same as before. Renjun and Jaemin are exactly like Mark and Jeno, the only difference being they actually live together, _alone,_ and haven’t wanted to kill each other even once _._ Furthermore, Jaemin thinks Renjun looks good like all the time, except now Jeno’s got it in his head that he might even enjoy _kissing_ him. 

In short. Jaemin is fucked. But onto other things. 

Convincing Renjun to let them go with the story he told Jeno is a lot easier than he expected. Really, Renjun is being far calmer about this whole situation than he has any right to be. Jaemin feels like he’s freaking out over nothing?

Strangely — or as to be expected, depending on who you ask — it’s not until Jaemin’s stuck between Renjun and a sweaty handrail on the way to the unofficial, annual Christmas brunch where all of their friends are waiting and where their fake relationship officially begins that Jaemin finally realises that this might be the absolute worst idea he’s ever been unwillingly involved in. Because Jaemin knows he can back out, he can tell Yangyang to give him a different punishment, make up some lie to get himself out of it. 

But self preservation is never very high on Jaemin’s list of priorities. And so instead, here he is, letting himself be tugged through the subway station towards his ultimate doom. He’s an understandably weak man. Not even the strongest person alive could say ‘no’ to Renjun’s frost-bitten rosy cheeks and pink nose, not when he’s got Jaemin’s gloved hand secured between his own and is laughing at some dumb joke Jaemin just made that wasn’t even the least bit funny at all. 

As they turn the corner and he spots the café down the road, he tightens his grip on Renjun’s hand and steels himself, thinking ‘ _you can do this’_ , followed by a million question marks. 

Renjun stops them before they’re too close to the café, falling to one side of the footpath. “Can we go over the story again?” 

“Renjun, we’ve been over it a million times.” 

“I know but-” Renjun hesitates, lip caught between his teeth. 

“What.” Jaemin deadpans.

“Are you sure we can’t change it?” Renjun continues, increasing in volume and pitch to be heard over Jaemin groaning. “I mean- no listen, it’d be more believable if I was the one to confess wouldn’t it?” 

Jaemin flails and puts his foot down.

“No.” He brings his free hand up to count off on his fingers. “One, you just want bragging rights. Two, it wouldn’t be “more believable”, you’re as romantic as a dirty toothbrush and everyone knows it. Three, it’s _your_ fault I’m involved in the first place.” 

“I never forced you to join the bet.” Renjun mumbles, half-hearted because he knows Jaemin wasn’t involved until Renjun practically begged him to help increase the stakes. 

“And finally, I’ve already told Jeno so it’s too late.” Jaemin pinches Renjun’s cheek between his fingers, laughing when Renjun glares at him like the human reincarnation of Grumpy Cat. 

“You’re no fun.” Renjun complains with an eye roll, finally swatting Jaemin’s hand away. 

“That’s not true and you know it.” Jaemin grins, basking in the satisfaction that only comes from winning an argument against Renjun. 

Renjun’s eyes dart to the side for a split second, to something behind Jaemin’s head, and his face pulls up into a laugh, a cackle, and then he’s throwing his head back and stepping closer with both gloves hands around Jaemin’s arm. Jaemin goes with it, assuming their friends are behind him, and is proven right when he hears a rather loud complaint from their resident Gemini.

“Why are you guys just standing out here? You’re late!” Donghyuck calls out, and Jaemin turns around, looking sheepish and flustered with his hands on Renjun’s waist. Donghyuck doesn’t even bat an eye at how close they’re standing, or the hands around Jaemin’s forearms, or the warmth in both of their cheeks. 

“So are you.” Renjun counters, quicker than Jaemin who’s still stuck on the fact that apparently everything they’re currently doing looks _normal_.

Donghyuck huffily slings his bag further over his shoulder and walks past them to the door of the café. “I had a morning class, unlike you two.” 

They follow after him, Jaemin glancing at Renjun who just looks amused at Donghyuck’s obliviousness. As they reach the door, Donghyuck is holding it open for a young couple that are laughing quietly to themselves. He pulls a face as soon as they’re gone. 

“Ew. _Love_.” 

Jaemin exchanges another look with Renjun before following Donghyuck into the café, preparing himself for the worst. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


“God are you serious?” Donghyuck whines into his pancakes. “You’re leaving me with that?”

He gestures to Yangyang beside him, innocently eating the foam off his hot chocolate so he doesn’t have to pretend that he’s shocked by the announcement. He dips his mouth directly into the drink and grabs Donghyuck, pushing his foam covered lips closer and closer to his face while Donghyuck desperately tries to fight him off, laughing through his apologies. 

Jaemin honestly doesn’t get why he never saw it earlier. 

“Yeah, sorry Jeno already told me.” Mark apologises. “But congrats anyway!” 

“Thanks.” Jaemin smiles through clenched teeth, trying desperately to think of anything but the hand Renjun has firmly planted on his thigh and seems to have no intention of moving any time soon. Bastard.

“What I don’t get,” Donghyuck continues, only slightly out of breath. “Is why we’re all acting like this is news.” 

“What do you mean?” Renjun asks, as Jaemin shovels scrambled egg in his mouth and avoids eye contact with everyone at the table. 

“Have you two met yourselves?” 

Jeno steals one of Mark’s hash browns, smiling innocently up at the pout Mark gives him. “Well I don’t know about you guys but I’m just celebrating the fact that our friend group is getting less and less emotionally stunted by the week.” 

“A relationship is not a substitute for therapy.” Yangyang sing-songs, accepting Donghyuck’s high-five without hesitation.

“Amen to that.” Donghyuck says. Boy, Jaemin cannot wait for Yangyang to confess and eat his own words (even though he is right and everyone knows it). 

Jaemin needs therapy. Instead he has friends that are just as fucked up as he is and the $23 pancakes he hasn’t finished eating yet. It’s good enough for now.


	2. two

_ December 5th _

Jaemin hasn’t been ice skating since he was about nine years old, and he can honestly say he’s never seen the romantic appeal. Call him crazy, but scraped knees and chunks of ice in foreign places don’t make his hopeless romantic heart flutter quite like a simple cuddle by the fireplace would. Unfortunately for him, it was Mark that asked Renjun about the double date idea this time, which is the only reason they’re not somewhere warm and safe instead.

“Can we at least make hot chocolates after this? Preferably with Bailey’s so I don’t have to remember whatever is about to happen between me and the ice.” He calls to Renjun, who’s already waddling around impatiently in his skates as Jaemin struggles with, well, everything. Mark and Jeno are somewhere on the ice already; Jaemin thinks he spotted Jeno skating around with Mark holding on to his waist for dear life.

“We don’t have Bailey’s.” 

“We  _ never _ have Bailey’s.” Jaemin cries, pouting harder when he finally finishes tying the laces of his skates just to realise that one side is too loose.

“God, you’re hopeless.” Renjun waddles over and crouches down, pulling Jaemin’s leg into his lap with a huff and an eye roll. 

“It’s Jaemin actually, but I can understand the confusion.” 

“You know you’re the unfunniest person in the entire world.” Renjun deadpans. 

* * *

  
  


Five minutes later, Jaemin is lying face up, staring at Renjun’s bright face as he laughs at him and wincing at the dull pain in his back and the ice-cold water quickly soaking the back of his not-ice-skate-appropriate clothing. 

“You’re so mean.” He whines to the sky. Renjun doubles over in a fit of laughter and nearly sends himself toppling over, which just makes Jaemin start laughing too.

Renjun laps him at least twenty times as Jaemin struggles to get the hang of it, which he eventually does, while Renjun taunts him from across the rink. 

“This is supposed to be a date, you know!” He calls as Renjun approaches for his 21st lap, swerving around a wobbly toddler that really is just a smaller version of Jaemin. He slows himself down to match Jaemin’s sporadic, unsteady pace. 

“And I’m having a great time babe.” He laughs, barely out of breath from all the laps he just did. Jaemin feels like  _ he  _ just did twenty one consecutive laps with how fast his breath leaves him at the pet name. 

He spots Mark and Jeno off the rink behind Renjun and blurts; “Well shouldn’t you at least be holding my hand?” 

Renjun actually startles, which just looks like a quick twitch of his mouth and an incredibly subtle widening of his eyes, something Jaemin has picked up on after years of studying the intricate art of Renjun Facial Expressions™. With a surreptitious glance around, spotting their friends leaning against the barrier, Renjun slides right up next to him like it’s the most natural thing in the world and wraps an arm tight around his waist, his other hand coming up to hold one of Jaemin’s. Despite the extra support, Jaemin’s knees almost buckle on the spot. 

_ ‘What is he doing?!’  _ His brain screams.  _ ‘What is happening?’  _

“Better?” Renjun grins. There’s a twinkle in his eye that Jaemin absolutely  _ cannot  _ get lost in right now.

“Oh Renjun.” He tsks, chuckling to himself. “Your plan is flawed.”

“How?” Renjun asks with a laugh in his throat. 

The comedic timing is impeccable. Jaemin takes a wrong step, miscalculated, unbalanced, and his foot slips out from under him, kicking one of Renjun’s feet on the way. They both go down, landing on their asses with such force he’s sure they’ve splintered the ice. 

Jaemin’s head collides with the ground at the last second, hands too preoccupied with clutching onto Renjun for dear life to catch himself. Renjun yelps and then there they are, tangled up in the middle of an ice rink.

“You were so right Renjun, this is so romantic.” Jaemin sighs wistfully. “I’m so glad we did this.” 

Renjun slaps a hand on his chest and props himself up with an elbow just to glare down at him. “Shut up.” 

Jaemin laughs, then winces and closes his eyes as his head starts spinning faster than the skater that’s been doing pirouettes in the centre of the rink for the last ten minutes. 

“Jaem? You okay?” Renjun slaps his chest again, lighter this time to get his attention.

Jaemin groans and rubs the throbbing spot at the back of his head. “I think you gave me a concussion.”

“Me?” Renjun splutters, clambering to his knees and gently pulling Jaemin into a sitting position. “How is this my fault?”

Jaemin blinks and looks pointedly at their still intertwined hands. Renjun’s cold-flushed cheeks turn tomato red and he drops Jaemin’s hand like it bit him. Jaemin laughs again, then clutches his head when it starts pounding again, groaning in pain as Renjun gets to his feet.

“Idiot. Stay there, I’ll be right back.” Jaemin swears he can hear Mark’s laughter from across the rink as Renjun nearly bowls over a toddler in his rush to leave. Jaemin keeps his eyes closed so he doesn’t have to see the looks the other skaters are throwing him for sitting directly in the middle of the ice rink. It makes his skin crawl, and Renjun is taking too long to return, and he’s starting to lose circulation in his feet with the way his legs are curled up. 

He ignores Renjun’s warning and swings his legs under him to crawl to the barrier on all fours, trying to get in the way of the least number of skaters as possible, feeling like a nuisance. He pauses once he’s at the barrier to let the throbbing in his head cease long enough to move, and then he’s pulling himself up onto wobbly legs again. He just manages to put all of his weight on his legs when one of his feet slip,  _ again,  _ and he curses everyone who has ever participated in this stupid slippery excuse for a sport. His body gives in to gravity and then he’s falling- 

And there are hands around his waist, stopping him before he hits the ground, a warm body propped up behind him. Renjun grunts directly into his ear as Jaemin struggles to put weight back on his legs. 

“What part of ‘stay there’ did you not understand?” He scolds, out of breath and fondly annoyed. Jaemin sags further into his arms, just to test the give, because he’s a little shit and this is Renjun’s fault anyway. 

“‘Stay.’” He answers absentmindedly, flushing when he realises what he just said. His head flops back in embarrassment and he accidentally smacks the back of his head against something hard, again. Based on the groan in his left ear, he assumes it was Renjun.

“I can drop you so easily.” Renjun warns, then contradicts himself by holding Jaemin tighter, bringing one of Jaemin’s arms over his shoulder and starting to turn him around to face the exit. Jaemin tries to help as much as he can, but by the time they’re turned around there’s a dizzying, throbbing pain in the back of his head and he has to close his eyes to avoid fainting. 

“Jesus, Jaem. How hard did you hit your head?”

“Is he okay?” Comes Jeno’s worried voice, gaining volume as he approaches from god knows where. 

“Injunnieeee.” Jaemin whines, blinking up at the blurry outline of what he’s pretty sure is his date.

“I’m here Minnie.” Renjun replies, ducking closer until he finally swims into focus. The nickname has Jaemin’s whole body warming up, fondness curling at his toes and swirling in his chest. Someone starts giggling and it may or may not be him. 

“Christ.” Jeno huffs out in that fond way that Jaemin knows means he’s not in the least bit annoyed. He puts Jaemin’s other arm around his shoulder, effectively carrying the rest of his weight, and Jaemin takes advantage of this by making his legs go dead. To his pleasant surprise, there are no grunts of annoyance and he’s barely jostled at all. Jeno, he’s not surprised about but  _ Renjun? _

“Have you been working out?” He directs at the Renjun-shaped blob, words slurred just a little. One of the hands around his waist tightens just a fraction.

“What- no?” Renjun sputters. Jaemin can’t see but he can imagine his ears turning a wonderful shade of red. 

“Mmm. Are you sure?” 

Unfortunately, they reach the edge of the rink before Renjun is forced to respond; instead he focuses all of his energy on Not Looking At Jaemin while carefully maneuvering him towards a free bench. 

“How are you feeling?” Renjun asks once Jaemin is safely seated. “Is your vision blurry?”

Jaemin nods, then immediately regrets it when his brain sloshes around in his head like half-melted snow. 

“Woah. Should we take him to the hospital?” Oh okay, Mark’s here now.

“I don’t know.” Someone jostles him and Jaemin looks up to find a Renjun that’s slightly less blurry. “Jaem, do you want us to take you to the hospital?” 

“No, no I’m okay.” He sits up straighter, the pain in his head slowly subsiding. Renjun doesn’t look convinced, his brow still furrowed in that adorable way of his. Jeno and Mark stand in front of them both, looking slightly less but still concerned.

“Are you sure?” Renjun pushes, running delicate fingers through Jaemin’s hair until his eyes slip closed without volition. Renjun lightly taps him on the face to wake him up.

“Yeah, yeah I’m sure. I just want my land legs back.” He wiggles his toes — uselessly, because his boots are far too thick to see any movement — and grins when Renjun immediately starts helping him out of them. 

This is easy, he thinks to himself, as Renjun helps him back into his shoes, then holds his hand the entire train ride home, poking him in the cheek every time he closes his eyes, then helps him stay awake for the recommended 12 hours after a concussion. 

This is just them, this is just who they are, this is just their relationship with a different label on it. 

Really, he was worried over nothing. 

* * *

  
  


_ December 15th _

  
  


“No offense, but why do you two never have any  _ actual  _ dates?” Jeno asks Jaemin, who’s in the middle of fiddling with the latch of his padded jacket and crunching through the snow towards Renjun waiting in their hiding spot. They’re all dressed for a snow blizzard, naturally, because you can never be too prepared when it comes to their annual snowball fight. “Like, y’know,  _ without  _ the rest of us?” 

“You think being in a relationship is gonna make us miss Snowmageddon?” Jaemin is offended by the thought alone, as uncompetitive as he is. (It’s Renjun’s favourite event of the year. Yes he is self-aware enough to know how whipped that sounds.)

“No but…” Jeno adjusts his own beanie atop his head, looking around at their friends in various stages of preparation; Donghyuck is hidden somewhere waiting for Jeno to join him, Yangyang’s nagging Mark in English about the shape of his snowballs, the two youngest are giggling evilly behind a very large bush and Shotaro is making a snowman with all the snowballs Sungchan is preparing. “I don’t know, it just seems like you’re not spending any time alone together.” 

Jaemin pauses at the genuine concern coming from Jeno. “I mean, it’s not like we don’t live together.” He explains, looking to the ground. “We do things alone.” 

“Like what? Eat dinner together? Watch movies? You did all that before.”

“What happened to all that stuff you said about your relationship not having to change just because it has a different label now?” 

Jeno stops, mouth open, flush on his cheeks. “I mean- it- yeah it hasn’t changed in  _ some _ ways but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take advantage of the holiday season to do something romantic, y’know? Like, to celebrate.” 

Jaemin shuffles in place, glancing at the top of Renjun’s beanie fifty metres away. “Like what?”

“Uh- oh, god I don’t know ask Mark-”

“Two minute warning!” Chenle suddenly screeches, startling a flock of birds. There’s a collective scramble as everyone gets settled in their make-shift bunkers and Jeno disappears with one final look, one that promises Jaemin the conversation wasn’t over. He’ll just have to strategise.

“There you are.” Renjun greets as Jaemin finally ducks into their spot behind a tree log, a mountain of snowballs all rolled and ready to go sitting in a neat pyramid between them. Speaking of strategizing. “Where did you go?”

Jaemin pulls two heat packs from one of his many jacket pockets and holds them out. He watches Renjun for a reaction, unable to tell much with the frost blush already covering his cheeks and ears. 

“For afterwards.” He explains.

“Oh.” Renjun says, eyes wide. “Th-thanks.”

“No problem.” Jaemin grins. “Ready to win?”

Renjun smiles back after a beat, excitement crackling in the brisk air around them. “I’m always ready.”

* * *

It’s not easy crossing a snow-covered battlefield in dark-coloured clothing without being spotted, but thankfully Renjun is a pro at acting as a distraction — or maybe Jaemin is just prone to distraction (or maybe it’s just Renjun that always gets his attention) — he only manages to get hit a handful of times before he reaches the first bunker. The trees around Donghyuck and Jeno remain mostly untouched by the icy ammo and he takes full advantage of this, shaking them as he runs straight past, dodging grabby hands and laughing over yells of offense, stray clumps of snow falling on his head and down his back.

Mark and Yangyang are next, and Jaemin has lost the element of surprise. He didn’t think this far ahead and comes to a stop right in front of them, completely vulnerable, two snowballs with his name on them in the hands of his enemies.

“Any last words?” Mark asks in his Dramatic Voice™, eyes squinted in the best glare he can manage. Yangyang simply cackles beside him as something moves in Jaemin’s peripherals. 

Jaemin smiles serenely, holding his hands up in surrender. “Hi baby.” 

Branches shake, snow falls, Yangyang and Mark are practically buried in the puffs of white that fall atop them, Jaemin conveniently standing just short of the splash zone. Renjun appears from behind the trunk of a comically large tree, missing the thick winter coat Jaemin last saw him in. 

“Baby?” Renjun breathes, cheeks puffed up with the biggest grin on his face. 

Jaemin shrugs, laughing to himself. “How did you..?”

“A magician never tells.” Renjun grins, trekking towards Jaemin just to reach up and brush snow off of his beanie. Some of it falls down his back but Jaemin is too preoccupied by the glimmer in Renjun’s eye to notice or care. Jaemin nods, struck dumb. 

“Okay.”

Renjun grabs him by the hand, startling him back to cognitive function. 

“Come on, let’s go win this.”

Jaemin blinks, heart thudding in his chest as Renjun takes over every thought in his head.

“Okay.” 

* * *

A body is thrown at his own and Renjun is yelling happily in his ear, the sounds of laughter and protests around them falling on deaf ears. 

“We won!” Renjun yells, repeatedly like a scratched record over and over until Jaemin joins in. The only rule about Snowmageddon is that there are no rules, but if Renjun says they won then they won. Jaemin is going to be incredibly sore tomorrow and his toes are numb but Renjun is holding him and looking at him like he’s his favourite person in the world and Jaemin is selfish and all he wants is to savour this moment for as long as he can, self preservation be damned. 

Only, the next moment Renjun pulls away. Not far, just enough to look Jaemin in the eyes, his arms buried in the material of Jaemin’s jacket around his waist and Jaemin opens his mouth to say something, maybe congratulate them or something-

Then Renjun leans in, and Renjun is kissing him. 

Jaemin has his ‘ _ Oh’  _ moment. For a second, his brain shuts down and he loses motor function, so Renjun is just kissing a pair of slack lips. Then Renjun starts to pull away and the adrenaline kicks in, and he’s pulling Renjun forward and kissing him back and it’s so addictive, so perfect that Jaemin knows he’s done for. This is it;  _ this  _ is the point of no return. He cups Renjun’s cheeks in his snow covered hands and sucks on his lower lip just to know what it’s like. 

Unfortunately, Jaemin’s self-preservation kicks in too late and when he pulls away he doesn’t look at Renjun at all. He laughs at his friends, watching them with disgust or awe or both and if his smile is shaky, he can play it off as nerves or embarrassment and hope no one pays him too much attention.

The butterflies in his stomach flutter violently against his ribs and he wonders if there’s any hope left for him at all. 


	3. three

_December 19th_

  
  


“I cannot believe how late you’ve left this.” Renjun crosses his arms as he follows Jaemin around an expensive gift shop, extra cautious not to bump into anything as his own Christmas shopping has left him as good as broke. 

“Listen,” Jaemin starts, the same old argument they’ve been having since they left the house, and maybe even earlier than that. “...okay?”

Renjun rolls his eyes and picks up a snow globe. “Uh huh. What about this?” 

He holds it out for Jaemin to look at, plastic swirls of white and glitter dancing around a pretty ugly looking snowman.

“For who?” Jaemin asks, going through his mental list of people he still has yet to buy a present for.

“Your Dad’s girlfriend.” Renjun says, like it should be obvious. “Doesn’t she collect stuff like this?” 

Jaemin blinks. He’d forgotten to even put her on his list. Renjun hadn’t. Something about that makes him nervous. “Oh. Yeah that’s actually perfect.”

Renjun blinks, then slowly breaks out into a shit-eating grin. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

Jaemin sighs and turns around to try and locate the counter, buried somewhere further in the store under expensive Christmas lights and a multitude of miniature Christmas trees. “Honestly, why don’t I just leave you in charge of my Christmas shopping every year? You’re so much better at this than I am.” 

Renjun hums, a smile still evident in his voice. “Yeah, why don’t you?”

They leave the store, Jaemin’s wallet now significantly lighter with a dozen people still to buy for and motivation that is rapidly leaving his body. Renjun takes his hand — because they’re in public, because they’re supposed to be dating, because he’s better at playing pretend than Jaemin is — and leads them towards a hole-in-the-wall bookshop. 

“Have you at least bought my present yet?” Renjun whispers teasingly into the stale air of the bookstore. Jaemin doesn’t even know who they’re in here for. 

“What kind of best friend do you take me for?” He jokes, eyes roaming over dusty used books, trying to figure out what section they’re in. Renjun goes quiet behind him, avoiding eye contact when Jaemin tries to figure out why. 

“Renjun?” 

Renjun startles like he was daydreaming. Something about his expression looks off, no matter how hard he’s trying to make it look normal. “Huh? Oh, sorry... I was trying to remember what I got you.” 

His smile is crooked; it’s always crooked, that’s just how his mouth is built, Jaemin loves his wonky smile more than anything, but this is different. It’s the type of crooked that appears when someone is forcing a smile to hide the fact that their body is telling them to frown, when they’re actively fighting their own facial muscles so they don’t draw attention to the fact that what they really want to do is cry. 

“Renjun, is-”

“Oh, shoot, sorry I forgot I needed to call my mum about something, I’ll be right back, okay? I’ll meet you outside.” 

With his sentence rushed out in one breath he breezes out of the bookstore, leaving Jaemin dumbstruck and confused, still without a clue as to why he’s even in there, and feeling a little like he’s done something wrong. Lost, he goes to the only person that can help him.

_yo are u free? call me if u can it’s urgent_

Jaemin reaches the back of the store before his phone buzzes with an incoming call. 

“Hey, Nana? What’s up?” Yangyang answers, sounding rightfully confused as to why Jaemin is going to him for advice. “Last minute present shopping?” 

Damn. His friends know him too well. 

“No- I mean, yeah- but that’s not what this is about.” He takes a deep breath, glancing around the store to make sure Renjun isn’t lurking anywhere. “Can you just tell me that it’s perfectly fine and doesn’t mean anything that Renjun just got visibly upset that I referred to myself as his best friend?”

“...Soooo you want me to lie to you?” 

Jaemin thumps his head against a bookshelf. “Yes.”

“Bro, I don’t even know what to tell you. At this point you’re being ignorant on purpose.” 

“Yeah, probably.” He mumbles, thumping his head once more with feeling. Yangyang hums in sympathy. 

“Have you talked to him about it?” Jaemin opens his mouth to respond but is cut off by Yangyang answering his own question. “Wait, who am I kidding, do I even know you?” 

“Be nice to me.” Jaemin whines petulantly. “I’m emotionally vulnerable right now.”

“And I’m so proud of you for it.” Yangyang praises, entirely sarcastic and unsympathetic. Then, more seriously. “Come on Jaemin, you don’t need me to tell you that talking about it is the best thing to do.” 

“Yang, you know I can’t do that.” 

“Sure you can. You and Renjun talk about your feelings all the time. You’re a threat to masculinity everywhere.” 

Jaemin ignores him. “So how are things going with Donghyuck?” 

“You- that’s a low blow, Nana, a low blow.” Jaemin grins to himself, picturing the blush on Yangyang's cheeks so vividly. “I have to go, my cat’s bullying people on Reddit.”

“Wait- Yang?” 

Jaemin doesn’t hear a dial tone.

“Actually there’s… something else.”

Yangyang is silent, just to be annoying. 

Jaemin checks the bookstore again, just to be sure. “So, uh, somehow during this whole... thing I kind of realised that I… that Renjun isn’t _just_ my best friend. Or- I mean- I don’t want him to just be my best friend. Like I would have reacted the same way he did just now. Does that make sense?” 

Yangyang heaves a great sigh for both of their sakes. “Fuck.” 

“Fuck.” Jaemin agrees, nodding to himself. It feels far too real now that he’s said it out loud. 

“Do you want out?” Yangyang asks. “We can call it off, I’ll figure something else out.” 

“That _would_ be great, but I think it’s too late for that. What would we tell Renjun?” 

“True.” Yangyang hums, Jaemin can hear the cogs of his brain turning over the phone. “We’ll sleep on it, yeah? I’ll let you know if I can think of anything.” 

“Sure.” 

“Hey, Nana?” 

Jaemin hums. 

“I hope it works out in the end.” 

“Yeah.” Jaemin nods. “Me too. For both of us.” 

  
  


* * *

_December 22nd_

Whenever Jaemin gets drunk he reaches a point, usually towards the end of the night, where his body refuses to keep his eyes open, so it looks like he’s sleeping but he’s actually just breathing heavily and listening to all the conversations going on around him. It comes in handy a lot, especially with friends like his who don’t know how to whisper and love to gossip. He has an entire piggy bank of things he’s learnt during these times that he probably shouldn’t know but are just waiting to be cracked open and used as blackmail. (Not that he ever would.)

It’s their annual Friendmas party and Jaemin has reached the not-asleep stage embarrassingly early on in the night, already slumped down on the couch by the time they’ve finished the first round of beer pong. The two shots of tequila Donghyuck gave him to begin the game are definitely the sole reason he’s in the state he’s in. 

He’s been ignoring all of the rough jabs aimed at his squishiest parts in attempts to wake him, and listened as the group dispersed for more drinks or other forms of entertainment. Someone walks over to him now — footsteps he is more than familiar with, he doesn’t have to open his eyes to figure out who it is — the living room clear of anyone else as far as he can remember, so he does his best ‘I just woke up’ groan and squeezes his eyes together as he stretches lazily. 

“Jaemin?” Renjun’s voice travels closer, his footsteps rounding the couch so when Jaemin blinks his dry eyes open it’s to his fake boyfriend standing over him. “Hey.”

“Heyyyy.” Jaemin smiles — his body’s natural reaction to seeing Renjun. His eyes slip closed again. “Renjun-ah, I missed you.”

“Oh boy.” Renjun sighs. “It’s barely ten o’clock, you’re embarrassing me.”

Jaemin pouts, eyes still closed. “But you love me anyway, right?”

Renjun doesn’t respond, and the uncomfortable silence is enough to sober him up. He blinks his eyes open again and tries to clear the lump in his throat. 

“Where did everyone go?”

Renjun shrugs and reaches out to play with his hair — he does it all the time, Jaemin loves it because he feels like a cat — but Jaemin flinches against his will. He doesn’t know why he did, but Renjun notices and drops his hand immediately. Jaemin feels like the biggest fuck-up that ever existed and he doesn’t even know what he’s done.

“Renjun I’m-”

“Hey! Lovebirds!” Yangyang’s voice comes from behind them, the man himself stumbling into the room. “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you guys everywhere!” 

Renjun frowns at him, unimpressed. “We haven’t even moved-”

“The bet's off!” Yangyang announces. The world shifts on its axis, Jaemin’s stomach drops through the floor.

“What- why?” Renjun asks; his voice is cold. 

“Hyuck just confessed to me.” He grins, looking absolutely over the moon, and Jaemin would be happy for him if he hadn’t just delivered the most devastating news he’s heard all month. Yangyang drops on the couch beside him, oblivious to the black hole forming in Jaemin’s gut, and throws an arm around his shoulder. He tugs Renjun down with him, reeking of whisky and vodka.

“See Nana? I told you I’d think of something to get you out of this.” Yangyang announces proudly. 

Renjun finally looks at Jaemin, really _looks_ at him like he hasn’t in a long time, not since that day they kissed. Jaemin wishes he wouldn’t, wishes the black hole inside him would just swallow him up and be done with it. 

“'To get you out of this?'” 

“That’s not- Renjun it’s not how it sounds.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Renjun pushes off the couch. “Can you find Hyuck please? I’m calling Yangyang an Uber."

This is wrong, this isn’t how it was supposed to happen. 

(But then again, this was exactly what Jaemin had been preparing himself for this whole time, wasn’t it? This was exactly how he saw this ending, right from the start. Doomed before it even began.)

Renjun still won’t look at him and Jaemin has no idea how to even begin to fix this. 

“Renjun, can we-” 

“Jaemin.” Renjun finally turns back to him, but Jaemin really, really wishes he hadn’t. Renjun’s eyes are ice cold, frosty as the snow piled up on the streets outside. He’s looking at Jaemin like the only thing he wants from him right now is to leave him alone. 

Jaemin swallows; his words, his pride, everything. He nods, because it’s the only thing left to do. 

“Okay.”

And he leaves. 

  
  


* * *

Jaemin is jostled awake with a groan, head pounding over the hushed apologies whispered above him as his body sways in mid air. He wades his way through the sticky, thick blanket of drowsiness calling him back to sleep, and blinks his eyes open to find his vision filled with the bottom of Jeno’s chin.

“Wha…” He groans, stomach lurching dangerously. He whines, which finally gets Jeno’s attention and his legs are abruptly dropped, only Jeno’s arms around his waist keeping him from falling flat on his ass. 

“Jaem? You with us?” Jeno whispers. Another pair of hands appear, holding Jaemin up from the other side, and when he gets the strength to look up, he finds Mark at the end of them. 

He groans again, desperately trying to push down the waves of nausea thrashing against the walls of his stomach. He feels sad, inexplicably, horrifically so, but he can’t remember why. Jeno and Mark are looking at him with so much sympathy that he can’t stop the tears from coming. 

“There you go.” Mark soothes, rubbing his back. “Let it out, you’ll feel better after.”

Jaemin cries at the ground, cries at the ache in his chest that won’t go away, cries until he’s throwing up on his own shoes, cries until he’s passing out in the arms of two of his most trusted friends.

At least he still has someone, right?

* * *

_December 23rd_

Jaemin wakes up feeling like the purest, un-purest form of hell on Earth. Like a demon ripped its way out of him overnight, leaving his body aching and hollow. His phone flashes on the coffee table, it’s light bright in the dim living room he belatedly recognises as Jeno’s. He reaches for it, nearly rolling off the couch trying to grab it. He squints against the light as he unlocks his phone, blinking until words swim into focus.

**Instagram**

(huang.ren) "i left for my parents ..." 1 hr ago

He expands the message box. 

**Instagram**

(huang.ren) "i left for my parents   
house early, wont be back till nye" 1 hr ago

Jaemin’s heart does a sad little jump before ceasing completely, or what feels like it. No 'bye', no 'take care', no 'happy holidays', no 'can we talk?'. Cold, direct, emotionless. That’s what Jaemin gets for wanting too much. He tells himself it doesn’t hurt even as he struggles to breathe through the pain in his chest. 

This is it. This is the end. 

“Jaemin?” Jeno croaks behind him. Jaemin doesn’t move, doesn’t try to be quiet, doesn’t care if Jeno sees him. He has nothing else to lose at this point. 

“Jaem, hey. Is this about last night?” Jeno’s body comes into view. “What happened?” 

There are a million things Jaemin could say, a million things he _should_ say, but the one he settles on is: “It was fake.” 

Jeno crouches down and his concerned face comes into view. “What was fake?”

“Renjun.” His voice breaks. “We aren’t dating, we never were. It was our punishment for losing a stupid bet.” 

“Oh.” Jeno still looks like he’s trying to process it. “Then… then what was last night about? Renjun said you broke up.” 

Jaemin’s dead heart thuds once more in pain. How quickly Renjun was to dump him just like that. How is that not supposed to hurt?

He tells Jeno everything, tells him about how quickly he realised it was a stupid idea but went along with it anyway. And that was always going to be his downfall; his self-sabotage. Because he knows now that he was wrong to think any of this was going to be easy, like it's so simple to switch off your emotions and know that, for a few hours of a day, nothing is real. He knows better now, knows that it's actually incredibly fucking difficult to immerse yourself in a situation that’s far too close to a reality you want to exist in without ripping out pieces of your own heart and sprinkling them behind you like breadcrumbs so that, when the dust settles and your heart is just a shell of what it used to be, you can still see the exact path of your downfall in perfect hindsight. 

Renjun is Jaemin's downfall, and what a beautiful one he is. 

* * *

_December 27th_

  
  


Jaemin takes his time walking home from the subway station, exhausted from the last few days. He spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with his mum, drinking Bailey’s and watching vintage Christmas movies, then stayed at his dad’s for the rest of Christmas and Boxing Day. His mum was in good health, his dad stayed sober, he got to hang out with his little cousins for most of Christmas and his dad’s girlfriend actually gave him a gift that he didn’t hate. Overall, one of the least disastrous Christmases to date. 

Except for the big gaping hole in his life, the form of which is an Instagram conversation left untouched for days; a number of unread texts in his phone, none of which from the one number he’s been waiting to hear from. An apartment as empty as it was when he left it, as silent and lonely as Jaemin has been feeling since Renjun left. Now their apartment just feels liminal and wrong; Jaemin hates it.

Jaemin calls Jeno before he can even think, before he’s taken his shoes off, before he can stop himself. 

“Jaemin!” Jeno calls, out of breath like he ran for the phone. Jaemin wouldn’t blame him after his disappearing act. “God where have you been? Are you alright?”

“No.” Jaemin answers honestly, for once in his life. He turns back to the front door, turns away from the silence and the gaping hole Renjun left in his life. “Can I come over?” 

Jeno hesitates. “O-oh, uh-”

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it.” Jaemin hurriedly backtracks, feeling stupid for expecting Jeno to drop everything for him, especially during the holiday season. Of course Jeno has better things to do than babysit his dumbass best friend.

“No- Jaemin, hold on. I’ll be right back.” Jeno’s voice fades on the last sentence, directed at someone else, whoever he’s with. Faintly, Jaemin thinks he hears a familiar voice, one that makes his blood run cold. The background noise cuts off and Jeno breathes down the receiver.

“Okay wh-”

“Who are you with?” Jaemin asks, voice harsher than he intended. He doesn’t know why he’s so on edge all of a sudden, his shoulders tight and anxiety thrumming through him. 

“Just a couple of the guys.” Jeno answers carefully. “We were getting lunch.”

Jaemin chuckles, cold and self-deprecating. “Of course.”

“Jaem, what’s going on?”

“Nothing.” He answers, doesn’t care if Jeno believes him. “Enjoy your lunch.”

He hangs up. 

He pictures his friends, all out for lunch, enjoying themselves, not a single one of them thinking about how he wasn’t there. He thinks about how much he’s not needed, or wanted, or missed. He thinks about how losing Renjun doesn’t just mean losing his best friend, or his flatmate, or his apartment. Losing Renjun means forcing all of his friends to pick a side. 

Losing Renjun means losing everything.

The worst part remains; that he did this all himself. 

His phone rings in his hand and he turns it off. 

He hates himself. 

* * *

_December 31st_

  
  


Jaemin is brewing his fourth coffee of the day when there’s the sound of keys in the lock, rustling coming from the other side of the front door. His entire body freezes. He didn’t expect Renjun back so early in the day. (Or at all if he was being honest.)

He runs to his bedroom, doesn’t care if Renjun can hear him running or the door slamming behind him, or the lock clicking into place. He strains his ears to hear the front door open, keys pulled out of the lock, footsteps trekking all the way to his bedroom. 

“Nana, open your fucking door.”

It’s not Renjun, which is a relief. It’s not Jeno either; slightly less of a relief. A fist starts bashing against the other side of the door and Jaemin startles at the sheer force of it.

“Na Jaemin, get your sorry ass out here before I kick this door down.” 

Jaemin hesitates, and jumps again when the knocking gets louder and more persistent. 

“Fuck- alright, alright, hold on.” He yells over the noise, worried about their neighbours more than anything. He pulls the door open a fraction, spots a furious looking Donghyuck on the other side, and slams it in his face. At least, he tries to. Donghyuck is faster though, and manages to get most of his body through the door before Jaemin can stop him. He wrestles Jaemin back, out of the doorway and throws him onto the bed, then straddles him for good measure, pinning his wrists above his head. Damnit, when did Donghyuck get so strong? 

“You look like shit.” Is how Donghyuck greets him, giving him a onceover. 

“So do you.” Jaemin lies, no real emotion behind it. “What are you doing here?” 

“Getting you back on your horse.” Donghyuck explains, a touch of sympathy entering his expression. Jaemin looks away before he can see it grow. 

“What horse.” He sighs. He’s pretty certain he shot both him and his horse dead. 

Donghyuck glowers down at him, he can sense it without looking. 

“Look.” Donghyuck starts, voice losing some of its heat. “Yang told me everything, and no offense but I think you’re being really dumb.” 

“Offense taken. You can go now.” 

Donghyuck bends down and licks him on the nose in defiance, ignoring Jaemin’s yelp of protest. 

“I _know_ I’m not Renjun and god knows we’ll never be as close as you two are-”

“Were.”

“-but I need you to trust me on this.” 

Jaemin sighs, finally looking back at Donghyuck. Really, what’s he got to lose at this point?

Donghyuck smiles a little at the small victory. “Renjun wants you to come to the New Years party.” 

Jaemin doesn’t dare get his hopes up. “You heard him say that?” 

Donghyuck falters. “Well no-”

Jaemin makes to get up, only to get pinned down even harder. 

“-because he _texted_ it to me.” He finishes with a huff, struggling to get his phone out of his back pocket while his other hand holds both of Jaemin’s arms down. “Honestly, Jaem, this is the 21st century, don’t you know the most important things are said over text?” 

Donghyuck gets his phone out and immediately drops it directly on Jaemin’s nose. Jaemin yells out, the burst of pain spreading across his face and ripping one of his hands out of Donghyuck’s clutches. They stare at each other, bug eyed, until Jaemin bursts into laughter so hard it hurts, Donghyuck dissolving into laughter a moment later. 

“Fuck, are you okay?” Donghyuck asks between giggles, hands flitting about uselessly as Jaemin clutches his nose. 

“Do I look okay?” Jaemin asks, laughing through the pain, laughing at himself for how pathetic he is and must look. 

“You definitely don’t fucking smell it.” 

Jaemin smacks him with a pillow so hard Donghyuck falls off the bed, the both of them dissolving into another fit of laughter until there are tears in Jaemin’s eyes and he can’t confidently claim that they’re still tears of mirth. 

Donghyuck shows him the screenshot, not that Jaemin really needs to see it. Honestly, Donghyuck had him convinced the moment he even said Renjun’s name. 

“Jump in the shower,” Donghyuck says, lightly slapping Jaemin on the leg. “I’ll pick out something for you to wear.” 

Jaemin doesn’t say it, never will in a million years, but he really loves Donghyuck. 

  
  


* * *

The New Year’s party is the earliest of their traditions, starting the year of Mark’s 18th birthday and continuing until the present. The location changes each year — it was actually supposed to be at Jaemin’s apartment this year but was obviously changed last minute.

Donghyuck ushers him through the back gate of Chenle’s family home, avoiding the inside (and their friends) completely. Jaemin is grateful for it, that he didn’t have to see any of them before he’s had his chance to emotionally prepare himself for the sympathy, or the worried looks, or, worse still, the anger. 

“I’ll give you a minute.” Donghyuck says, sitting him down at the firepit with a pat on the back. 

Jaemin sits, alone with his thoughts, and stares unseeing into the flames of the bonfire ahead. 

“Jaemin?” 

Jaemin’s head swerves so fast his neck clicks. “R-Renjun?”

Emerging from the darkness behind the house, out of the light of the bonfire, comes Renjun, as radiant as ever. Jaemin has never felt a desire to run so strong, so immediate and urgent. He stumbles to his feet- he’s not doing this. Renjun stops walking, half of his face obscured by shadow, hurt visible in his eye. 

The shock of seeing Renjun after so long melts into anger. Jaemin walks to the backdoor, running away, only to hear the sound of a lock clicking into place. 

“Wha- guys! Hey! Let me in!” He calls, voice dark. 

“No.” Yangyang calls back, uncharacteristically serious. “Fix it.” 

“Yang-”

“Jaemin, please.” Renjun calls behind him. His voice is quiet; soft yet dangerous. “Do you hate me that much?”

Jaemin squeezes his eyes closed, fighting every instinct in his body telling him to run, run, _run._ No. This is more than his fear, this is bigger than himself. Renjun is more than that.

“No.” He admits, backing away from the door but keeping his back turned. “No, I could- I could never hate you Renjun.” 

Renjun walks closer, Jaemin hears his footsteps softly crunching in the snow covered grass. Jaemin’s heart burns with the desire to look at him, so he turns around. Renjun glows in the firelight, and Jaemin completely melts. No matter how far he runs, how much he tries to ignore it, Renjun continues to and will always disarm him. He is so, so, so, weak for this boy, this incredible boy that is worth everything good in the world.

“Jaemin, I’m so sorry.” Renjun walks closer still, a dangerous shine to his eyes. “I fucked everything up.” 

“You don’t have to apologise.” Jaemin shakes his head. No matter how hurt he is, he can’t have Renjun blaming himself for Jaemin’s feelings. He sighs, self-deprecation tainting his words sour. “It’s me who got too attached. That’s not your fault.” 

Renjun slows to a stop, close enough now that Jaemin could reach out and brush his fingertips against the pale skin of his exposed collarbone if he was brave enough. 

“ _You_ got too attached?” Renjun repeats in disbelief. He looks cautious, afraid. Jaemin can’t tell what he’s thinking and it worries him. 

“I- I let my feelings get the best of me.” He admits, forcing the words from his throat, baring his soul. “That’s why I asked Yangyang for an out, because I didn’t think I could keep going knowing… knowing that everything was fake when all I really wanted was for it to be real.” 

“It wasn’t fake.” Renjun blurts, a careful smile melting away all the tension on his body like frost in the morning sun. 

“It- what?”

“I fucking love you, you idiot.” Renjun rolls his eyes; god how Jaemin missed him. "Everything I did and said to you was real." 

“No- no it wasn't. You dont...” Jaemin shakes his head, refusing to get his hopes up, not again, not so soon. 

Renjun’s smile drops, just a bit, just enough to make Jaemin feel awful. “Please, believe me Jaemin.”

Jaemin just keeps shaking his head. He doesn’t understand, he was so sure- “No, this doesn’t make any sense.”

Renjun reaches for him. “Jaem-”

Jaemin takes a step back. Renjun’s hand drops, his smile gone but eyes still warm. 

“Can you just listen to me?” Renjun begs. 

Jaemin doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even move. 

“That night I- when Yangyang told us- I wasn’t-” Renjun sighs, struggling to find the words. “It threw me off. I had all these plans, I was gonna take you outside, I had mistletoe in my back pocket, I wanted to do it _right_.” 

Jaemin’s heart starts up a steady thrum. 

“But then you got wasted so fast and then Yangyang came and I just- I got so frustrated that nothing was going to plan that I took it out on you, just because you were there. And, okay, maybe I was a little hurt by finding out from Yangyang that you wanted an out.”

Renjun takes a step closer, and Jaemin lets him. “But I was just upset that you didn’t talk to _me_ about it. I get it now, why you didn’t, but you have to understand that I was- there was a lot going on.” 

Jaemin listens to Renjun speak, a spark of hope igniting in his chest, chasing away the frost that has taken a home since that night Renjun told him to leave. 

“I wanted to make it right, I really did.” Renjun takes another step closer, and there is so much pain in his eyes. “But then you just disappeared and I thought you-”

Hell breaks loose. There are tears in Renjun’s eyes. 

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore.” 

“I did.” Jaemin’s voice is stronger than it’s ever been, urging Renjun to hear just how much he means it. “I do.” 

He reaches for Renjun, to wipe his tears away, to chase away all of the fear and pain, to take it all on himself, because after everything Jaemin still blames himself. Renjun reaches back, cupping Jaemin’s face at the same time that Jaemin gets his hands around those soft, rosy cheeks. But Renjun doesn’t stop there, and he pulls Jaemin forward, closer, pulls them together and then-

Renjun’s lips feel the same; cold from the frosty atmosphere, a little dry, a little cracked. He isn’t perfect but Jaemin fucking loves him for it. Kissing Renjun is a catalyst to the blizzard of feelings that Jaemin has been running from for so long, so thick Jaemin gets lost in it, blindly chasing the lips pressed against his own, chasing the warmth pooling in his chest and stomach and toes. 

Jaemin tastes salty tears, his own cheeks catching the diamond liquid dripping from Renjun's lashes. It breaks his heart to know he could have avoided this, all of this, if he'd just been honest from the very beginning. 

"I'm sorry." Jaemin mumbles against Renjun's lips. "I’m so sorry. I'm so stupid." 

"Shut up." Renjun admonishes, pulling away to look him in the eye. "We're both stupid, don't try to take all the credit." 

Jaemin just smiles. 

"I love you, okay?" Renjun says, as serious as Jaemin has ever seen him. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't." 

Jaemin nods, trying not to cry, trying to listen to what Renjun is saying and internalise it. 

"You trust me, don't you?" Renjun asks sincerely. 

"Of course. Yeah." Jaemin means it. He would follow Renjun to the ends of the earth without question. He trusts him more than he trusts himself. Renjun is his _everything_. But that's the inherent problem with Jaemin; everything he feels, everything he wants Renjun to know, he can never hope to put into words. There's always something holding him back; fear, bashfulness, a sheer lack of vocabulary. 

"Christmas sucked without you." He settles on, eyes watering against his will. (In his defence he's had a _long_ month.) Renjun does that thing where he strokes the apples of Jaemin’s cheeks with his thumbs and Jaemin absolutely _melts._

“I’m sorry.” Renjun apologises, again. “Was your dad okay?”

Jaemin sighs — the topic of his father has never been much of a pleasant one. Renjun’s hands drop from his face as he looks to the ground. “He stayed sober. That’s all I can really hope for.” 

Renjun nods, moving on to a different subject, as is the usual practice whenever Jaemin’s family is brought up. 

“Well, I told my sister what happened and she threw a shoe at me and called me a dumbass.” Renjun laughs at the memory. “Oh- which reminds me, I need to tell her about... this.” 

Jaemin laughs along and nods. “That would be a good idea, yeah.” 

"Are you making out yet?" Donghyuck's muffled voice calls from inside the house, drawing their attention. 

"Don’t you mean making up?" Renjun calls back, startling when Jaemin and Donghyuck both respond ‘ _no!’_ at the same time. 

"What do you say, Injunnie?" Jaemin puts on his flirtiest voice, walking two fingers up Renjun's arm, feeling giddy and over the moon and a little bit like he fell in a pile of snow and is currently having a very, very vivid fever dream. "Wanna go cuddle up by the cosy fire and get lost in each other's eyes?" 

Renjun shoves him. His voice equal parts fond and exasperated, a stupid grin on his face. 

"Idiot." 

* * *

_January 3rd_

  
  


Jaemin scrolls through Instagram, reading through all the comments on his New Year's photo, having finally remembered to post it after the whirlwind that the new year brought. He owes Chenle for catching it on camera; the moment the clock had struck midnight, the moment the sound of fireworks had begun echoing around them, the moment Renjun had leaned in and kissed Jaemin sweetly on the lips in front of the dying embers of the bonfire. It was a wild December to say the least.

With a grin, Jaemin double taps his phone screen.

♡ _Liked by_ **_jaem.in_ ** _and others  
_ **jaem.in** happy new year everyone~ ♡  
my resolution is to kiss more boys   
whats yours?  
  
💋: **@huang.ren  
** 📸: **@lelel**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u so much for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/transgyu?s=09) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/wuju_lbx)


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